I started reading your book. I told myself I will do it very slowly. And I will. I wish I could read more, I really like that. But I want it to let me influence for a while – and from the distance – before I start reading another chapters. It’s very heavy, but full of thoughts.
Thank you for it. Even the introduction chapters mean a big thing to me. And being in my reflective phase, it made me realize a lot of things.
The first thought that influenced me a lot.. especially now, due to those things I am going through, was when you said that if you wanted to transcend suffering, you would make life an illusion. That’s what I’m feeling right now. I’m so grateful for everything I experienced on the ranch. It was beautiful. It changed me. But it’s painful now. It was like a dream confronted with a reality, but it wasn’t a dream. It was something you made. It was real. Which makes to even harder… in a way. But… I guess beauty without suffering doesn’t have a value, right? Does it mean that this was just a taste and now I need to suffer a lot to get it back?
But the strongest thought I got from your book so far was: „You can’t know what you want till you know what you are.“ Or something similar: „You will know if you find it, by the unmistakable sign, it will set you free.“ This is it! This is what happened to me at your ranch! All those feelings, it was just me realizing what was missing in my life. I was experiencing it each single day – like I was full of love and happiness. But now it’s gone… and I desperately need it back. I told you you are helping me better understand myself. And not only understand, I found a whole new person hidden deep inside me, that was just there waiting for an opportunity to be released.
I think you might not have a whole picture ab<out me. Actually, I think you know only the „new“ Martina, the person that was kind of new even for me. It has a lot to do with what I already described, how it changed me. You call it in your book „earthiness“. I never thought about it that way. I actually never was like this. I was always a shy girl. But you’ve awaken this in me. I don’t know how you did that. But even before I had any affection towards you, you were already very good at turning me on. And since a lot of other stuff was going on, I just accepted that. So this new „sexual“ part of my nature is quite surprising and it’s kind of my „awakening earthiness“. And it’ś all of that. The deep feelings that started to appear, the great sex we had… at least at the beginning, the way how I was perceiving the nature around, how I started eating meat a lot (I’ve been vegetarian for 8 years and I returned to eating meat like a year ago after I realized it’s really isn’t working with my blood type). And the ultimate love I felt. Lot of things! No kidding that it makes me such a mess now.
You know, we were talking a lot about love. From your perspective, mine, what does it mean, how many types of love does exist. Who loves whom. A lot.
What I experienced in Golden was love. The ultimate love. I never felt this before. And now I’m not talking about you. At least not only about you. I’m still not sure how big part you played yourself as a person in this emotional boost, but you did your part and now I have to figure out what it means to me.
But you also said that in order to be set free, you must start over, go all the way back to the beginning of your path. Thatn order to be born again, you have to die first.
Now, that is pretty hard one!
Do you mean it? Like in such case you should just throw your life away and start again?
I can’t do it right away. I think it’s quite similar to those things about shrooms they said in that article I sent you. That you should use this new states of consciousness to uncover new perspectives, but you just shouldn’t change any behavior right after this trip. I think it’s similar. You see a lot of things, but you shouldn’t base your decision on them. You should wait a couple of days to slowly proceed these new information and after that decide, what you are taking from it for your life. And that’s what I do with my whole Golden experience. And with your book. It showed me a lot. But it was also kind of new state of consciousness, so I need to proceed it first. Before deciding anything.
So this is me following the tracks, as you said in the book. But right now I’m getting too confused to follow the path. It’s not very pleasant. In fact it’s pretty scary. I really did have a hard time today. And I needed you. I really did.