You

My very first impression of you was pretty clear. And you already know. You are like this little boy living in a body of an adult man. You’re so much fun! Your laughter always makes me smile. I love the way you close your eyes when singing. I can’t get enough of staring at your long curled lashes framing your eyes. It’s so cute! And I love your voice. I wish I had a record of you talking. Or even better – your Soultracker audiobook we have already talked about (hope you remember that!).
But you are also tough… You really are. I saw that. A couple of times. It is in you. And the way you perform this toughness…. It kinda makes me melt from the inside. 🙂
Even though you are such a fun guy, I  know there is true depth in you. You think about stuff, you have your opinion… I guess it is shaped by all the things that have happened in your life. It was for the good. You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Please, stay the same.
You are a perfect combination of a boy and a man and one day, you’ll make one woman very happy. I hope it will happen soon (but being selfish – not too soon – I just hope I will make it to get over the whole thing before).
Let’s move to the deep stuff.
It hurts me a lot seeing you drinking. Even more than seeing you showing interest in other girls. By the way, you were driving me crazy with that! A big part of the chopped wood you’ll be putting in your fire next couple of weeks will be sprinkled with my tears of sorrow and anger (which you luckily haven’t seen!).
And despite of all of that, your drinking was worse to me. I really REALLY hope you will take a good care of yourself. If you manage, I know God will reward you with the things you pray for the most.
I can’t say how much honest you were with me. You kept saying that you were… but I kind of think it wasn’t true all the time. So I can only talk about the picture I have about you. It reflects what I saw in you. And this is it.
I admire you for all the things you were able to cope with. I know about just a few of them  (and those are the things that could easily make you a broken man). But not you. It made you stronger. It made you accept your true nature, your sensitivity and vulnerability and it transformed you into this beautiful person you truly are. You don’t need to perform anything. At least if what I see is true you and not just a mask you were showing me.
You are one of those people who can actually achieve their dreams. It is in you. I would say it is a gift, but it isn’t. You did it yourself. All the things you created come from you, which means there is something in you that can actually make things happen, not just dream about them. In a philosophical term, everyone’s dreams are “dynamic” (meaning the thing is capable of doing, or being acted upon, but there is always a “but“) but you are able to make them “entelecheia” (fulfill it, make them actually happen). And not everyone is capable of doing that.

Your life

All of the things I said above brings me here: I’m very proud of you for accomplishing so much in your life.
And it influenced me. Big time.
You’ve managed to create a life I always dreamed of (without actually realizing it before).  Thank you for showing me all of that. Now I have a direction to follow. It will be a long path, but I share this faith with you – when you really want something – and you make the effort – you will get it. Which is, by the way, the main message of the book I gave you. (I think you will like it. It is short, but very meaningful, very deep and I think it’s your style. Please, try it.)
But it also makes me very sad seeing all the things you haven’t done so far. I know how passionate you are about your dreams. I know you can fulfill them.
But you should realize that even with faith, there is a lot of work behind making your dreams come true. It took you a lot of work making your music. It took you a couple of years (and plenty of mornings!) finishing your book. It took you twenty years to create this heaven on earth. LOTS of work.
So you can’t just sit here and expect that things will just happen. Especially, when these are the most important things. You can’t expect that the woman of your heart just appears and you can’t expect that your son comes back just out of the blue. You should do something about that! And again, it will be a lot of work. But love is worth fighting for, isn’t it? Make the effort. And make it happen. It’s already written in the stars that it will. Now you must make the moves or waste the chance.

Our time together

I already told you I’m following those signs that appear on my way (which is, by the way, another thing I learned from the Alchemist book). I’m not good at it all the time… but I’m trying. I made a big step towards fulfilling my dreams like a year ago. I turned my life upside down. I realized a lot of things. It was a big year for me.
Anyway, these signs I followed is what made me come here. To me, things happen for a reason. There was a reason I found you, and there was a reason for me becoming ill and not being able to come in May. I think so.
But I swear, I never expected that we could get involved in something like this. I lot of people told me though. 🙂 That I’ll go to Canada, find love here and never come back. Some people were even more specific, talking about you. And even my boyfriend told me to be careful. In a funny way: “I’m not sure I can let you go to Canada alone to some guy whose arms are the size of my thighs.” Which, by the way, isn’t true anymore – you shouldn’t be picking up chicks online by advertising yourself with a photo with those huge arms! 😀
And I replied to everyone: “Come on, he’s too old for me! I would totally fall for him if he was thirty years younger, but not now.” (And I mean it, when I saw your old pictures, I was like OMG, this is the hottest person I ever saw. You were totally my type :D).
Anyway, back to present. Right from the beginning I really felt like I’ve known you for a long time. My whole life. And it isn’t just an empty phrase. You’re so much like me. In many different ways. We share the same values, we think about things in quite similar way.
That’s what made me attracted to you. But I seriously never thought about actually getting involved in something. It surprised me. I think we were kind of flirting with each other, which could maybe make you think that I’m up to it. But to be true, that’s how I behave. I’m a flirt. And you’re a womanizer… which is a perfect scenario for a big disaster. 😄 And so it happened. The first “pot-chocolate night“ we spent together (not having sex) – right after jam night – I was feeling like “Oooh.. this is bad. How should I back out now?”. But then I got really high. REALLY high. I don’t remember many things, but what I do remember is that you made me cum just by touching me!
Is this even possible?
I still find it hard to believe it. Maybe it was all of it – this place I totally fell in love with, the chocolate and you. But there was something magical about what happened that night. The rest of it is pretty blurred, much of it doesn’t make sense. But it doesn’t feel like it was just my imagination. I remember it quite clearly.
In any case, this was a(nother) sign for me to just let things happen. After this, I was totally into trying new things with you. Just don’t care, give it a free range and see what happens. And it was pretty awesome at the beginning. Then it just… I don’t know. Faded. As did the other things. But still I believe there really was a good reason for that. Now I just need to figure out what was it.
I think I can track the moment I fell for you. It was when we were writing our song. You were smiling and your face was shining while repeating the words we’ve written. When I think about it now… maybe it’s not “love” love. It’s more of a love you feel for your baby (and the song is kinda our baby, don’t you think?) plus the love I feel for this amazing place. Combined with the deep love I feel for you as a person. It’s a lot of love to get lost in it. 🙂 But it just… everything feels right.
But it’s the same as in my short story I showed you. Love doesn’t stay the same. Each time, someone expects it to evolve or… someone just backs out. We had so much fun at the beginning! But then the whole thing just took a serious turn, the fun disappeared and when I realized that, I started getting sad. And since then, it’s not sweet & spicy anymore. It’s just a bit of sweet, but way more bitter. And the spicy flavour remains just as a memory.
Even though I wrote you that letter, I never expected anything else than what we already had! It wasn’t a “please-love-me-back-letter”. I just thought the essence of our relationship (I’m using this word for the lack of something more appropriate) was honesty. And since Ines, Shaneide, your German lady – all the time you made me feel miserable not because of the presence of other woman, but because you just put me away like an old toy, expecting something better – I wanted you to know the whole truth. So we could really be honest with each other and make the time we had together worth it. Build something that could last.  Because – and it’s the truth! – I still think of you as more of a friend than a lover. Even though I could imagine being with you, it wouldn’t probably be for forever. It’s just hard to imagine it. You know how I feel about relationships. And you don’t feel the same way. And possibly, if we did become a couple, in ten years you would start really getting old. And I don’t think I could handle that… That’s what I told myself. And that’s why I never seriously thought about us getting involved in a real relationship. And this scenario would possibly happen with any other girl my age. And that’s why I really feel you should find a woman closer to your age. It makes me miserable thinking about you getting hurt again.
During my mushroom trip, I tried to contemplate the character of our relationship and how I feel about you deep inside. And make peace with it. A lot of things came up… it was very intense at the beginning, but it got calmer. But I also realized that I was probably lying to myself, thinking that we have some kind of deeper connection. I really did feel that way. But after finding out about all the things we talked about and you don’t remember, I realized it has probably never been anything special. It was what it was the whole time. Just us having fun. It made me sad at first. But it was a way I could make peace with the whole situation that got out of my control.
Anyway. To me personally, you are a perfect example of how many different forms love can have. I love you as a friend and as a man – but differently than I love my boyfriend. Can’t tell if it’s more or less. It’s just different. And I could quite easily imagine being involved with you in some more of a “Joe-and-Gigi” relationship. Being very close, loving each other, having fun. Think of it. This could be a thing we share together… at least till you find that lady you would want to stay true forever.
Leo, I hope you won’t disappear from my life. And don’t think that I’m saying that because I’m in love and heartbroken. Maybe I am. Maybe not. I will see it after we separate, I think. But despite all the things that have happened so far, you stole a big part of my heart. 🙂 And I want to keep in touch with that.