I wrote this in the nightbus to Vancouver. It’s supposed to fit the music of this song.
This morning
I woke up screaming your name
I know you didn’t want it
But its hard to obey
I can’t forget
You being sweet and tender
Please, listen to my story
It’s too late to surrender
I’m like this whisper
Floating upon your bed
I know that you don’t like it
And that it makes you sad
I want to explain
And then hide from your view
Maybe then you’ll understand
How it’s hard not to love you
I can’t control my breath
And the rate my heart keeps beating
The story that we made
Where one character’s cheating
And now you’re missing words
You spent them on others
Please make me on of them
And transform us to lovers
And I’ll stay there
a broken string on your guitar
Please, don’t throw me away
Make me part of your recital
Just pick me up and play
And pretend we’re tuned
Keep me close to your heart
And then forget it happened
This crazy state of mind
Is tearing me apart
Although I wanted
I couldn’t bear the fact
With all the love and pain
That it was
Just a game
This crazy state of mind
Is tearing me apart
And all I know now
Is the place where to start
And all the love and pain
Was always
Just a game
Then I disappear
In the other side of world
And you can make me
Part of your lyrics a words
I’ll be a memory
The echo of your voice
When you hit your guitar
With other strings of choice
Music fills the room
Your beautiful love chore
And all the girls are doomed
On altar of your love war
And then you stop and see
Your battlefield of love
You realize you’ve been
always there but distant
This crazy state of mind
Is tearing me apart
Although I wanted
I couldn’t bear the fact
With all the love and pain
That it was
Just a game
This crazy state of mind
Is tearing me apart
And all I know now
Is the place where to start
And all the love and pain
Was always
Just a game

Post Scriptum

On less emotional level:
I consider myself kind of a „theoretical love anthropologist“. During my second half of studies, I had a specialisation on relationships (not only men & women, but all genders). And as I already told you, I tend to fall in love quite easily. That’s why I was interested in the whole subject. I tried to rationalise things I was unable to control.
But this thing I have with you is quite different. It’s evolution was totally new for me. I know myself, I usually fall in love at first sight and then I spent couple of months in a sweet delirium, whether the object of my affection is feeling the same or not.
With you, it was different. I didn’t want that at all at the first moments. I was attracted to you, but not sexually. I wanted to get to know you, understand you and learn from you. But then the first sexual experience happened, I wanted to try more, you started to send me messages that really seemed like you were in love with me (you actually sweet-talked me into falling in love with you! The blame is on you, although I was always thinking it was always me who screwed up, it was me unable to hold on the rules we set). After our first night together, I started to get extremely sexually attracted to you.
Back to my love anthropology. Love usually consists o three parts:
1. Passion. That I had with you. Big time. If we sticked with that only, we would be probably able to keep our relationship strictly sex-oriented.
2. Intimacy. All of our talks, playing music, head rubs, cuddlig, sleeping in one bed. That’s where we screwed up. If we did only this, we would become close friends. But combined with the sex… BIG disaster. If you combine passion and intimacy, there are three possible scenarios: you either add the third part (commitment) and develop a love-based relationship, or you don’t and then limerence happens. Or you stay indifferent… if one one those parts doesn’t feel strong enough.
3. Commitment. A blank space in our relationship.
So, this is basically what happened. I became limerent to you. We weren’t able to give each other a direction. You promised me we’ll stay some kind of friends. But are we really? I feel like you only communicate with me regarding your music. But in this relationship, there is no space for me to share my thoughts, my fears, my emotions.
Think, Leo. All kinds of relationship are based on reciprocity. Even friendship. Whatever we have now, you should be able not only take, but also give.
I know I will manage my fucked up emotions. It’s actually kind of fun studying myself. (It’s less fun waking up in the middle of night with a feeling that the warm, naked body next to you is actually someone else, someone that should be there at first place but you expect someone else there). But this thing is up to me to handle. Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burn. But just because it burns, doesn’t mean your gonna die…
But I also love you as a friend, Leo. You are a father figure I’m missing in my life. You are a male-friend I love talking to. You are kind of a teacher to me, you’ve awaken something new in me and so far, you have given me a lot of big life lessons. This is why I don’t want to lose you. You are very important to me. This is the reason I came to Canada, i knew it even before we met in person (I really did! I was following my sign). This is why I was holding back when the affair started. I was afraid we would lose this. And this is way more important for me.
So, Leo. If you really feel that I helped you in some way. That I was sent to your runch for a reason – and you weren’t just bulshitting me with these talks. Then do it. Be my friend. Make me part of your life. But don’t let me just desperately fight for your attention. Reciprocity, Leo. Taking & giving.
I miss you.