I’m sending you answers to questions you haven’t asked me so far. It’s the game a told you about we haven’t really had chance to play. It’s from my favorite book, (Third Wish by Robert Fulghum, I wanted to give it to you, by they didn’t have it in the Golden bookstore). he two main characters are playing it to get to know each other. And it’s quite interesting… it gives you a chance to say something you want the other one to know about you.

So, these are answers to questions you haven’t asked me and I want you to know them.

My Favorite Movies

 

  1. Into the Wild. Since the first time I saw this movie, I wanted to follow the steps od Alexander Supertramp and live a lie of adventure. It took me a while, but finally, it took me even to Canada. I just hope that I won’t die in Alaska like he did. 🙂
  2. Dead poets society. Such a deep, beautiful movie! It’s about a very conservative high school for boys. It’s about seizing the day, even when things are quite tough.  It so sweet and tender a true… and purely sad.
  3. 500 Days of Summer. On a lighter level. My fav romantic „comedy“. It shows the true nature of relationships, according to me. It’s about two people falling in love, but right from the beginning it’s not a lovestory. In a way, I feel like I’m both of the main characters.
  4. Brokeback mountain. The most beautiful sad romantic movie. I was totally heartbroken after watching this.
  5. Captain Fantastic. We saw that one together. I love it because it kinda shows my own inner struggles. Regarding living “off the grid”, my relationship to schools, education in general, religion, the whole “western lifestyle” which is considered the “right one” – and I’m not following that.

 

My relationship to my parents

 

When I was a kid, I was always thinking about myself as the “naughty child”. I probably did misbehave, as all the kids do, but I have this memory of me being a bad kid to my parents, although I was trying my best to be good.

My father has a bad temper. He gets angry quite easily. I inherited that too and I’m fighting it my whole life. I know I am able to be the worst when I get angry… you saw it yourself… It’s like I can see myself from distance, saying things I don’t want to say. I know it’s something I got from my father.  And I fight it as hard as I can, but it’s not always easy.

In my country, physical punishments are still quite common. Me and my sister were raised this way. It was probably worse with me, since I’m the older one (the first kid to try parenting on + they were pretty young when having me) and I was probably naughtier than my sis. I was kinda beated until I became teenager. It wasn’t anything extreme…. But I remember a couple of times hitting a cabinet from the other side when being slapped by my father.

Plus they were always fighting. I think they don’t think of it as they fight a lot, but I do. Like… none of other people’s parent s are like that. My mum would have probably divorced a long time ago, but she always puts family first and never wanted to destroy it. She never realized this was destroying it way more. My father is totally unable to live a life without us. He finishes work at 3, comes home and watch TV or computer. He doesn’t do much chores at home, since it’s “women’s work”. He can’t cook a single meal. He doesn’t socialize at all. He would probably move back to his own parents if he was on his own… and that’s also probably why my mum is staying with him. She kinda feels sorry for him. At least this is what I think.

But all of this… made me want to leave home way earlier then I was able to. I made a lot of plans how to run away from home, but never actually realized it since I didn’t know where would I go. Since I was 15 or 16, I was trying to find ways how to escape. I always worked, but never had enough money to move until college.

Even today, when I visit my parents on weekends, it’s always a lot pressure. Like a would need a holiday to recover from the visit. It’s always so tense, I’m losing a lot of energy staying there. But they are my parents, I can’t just think of myself first.

So.. this is a little bit from child’s perspective how it feels with family struggles.  Me and my sister, we both suffer from daddy issues. Like we are both desperately searching for a man that would take care of us, that would make us feel safe and played kind of a father figure. But on the other hand… we have this pattern that men like this don’t exist. And we have to be strong and take care of ourselves on our own because no-one else would. But it’s a fragile surface that breaks quite easily. And… this is also why I seem so cool and in control when things are going well, but when something happens, it collapses.

 

My relationship with men

 

I told you I was bullied when I was a kid. That’s why, when I was a teenager, I always wanted to compensate it to myself that I’m worthy boys attraction and pushed myself into lots of relationships I wasn’t even interested in. I dated a lot between my 14 and 17 birthday. Then Honza came. I met him when I was 14, kinda dating his best friend, who was my best friend’s cousin. Since then, we texted a lot. But we never actually went on a date. Later he told me that he always tried to invite me somewhere, but I never got it what he was trying to suggest. We were friends for almost two years when he finally really invited me on a date. And the tension just immediately transformed into sparkle… and then into big fire. I was totally in love, like never before. I couldn’t eat, sleep, do anything. I always thought of him. Were this happy for about a year. Then it started fading.. as everything. The passion was still there, but we were spending it by fighting instead of loving. And then we broke up – he broke up with me. But we weren’t able to stay broken up. After a while, he texted me that he can’t handle it anymore and if I can meet him. We met. We made out. We realized we can’t be without each other, but we can’t also be with each other. The fights we had were too big, we were extremely young and just not adult enough to handle it. So we kept our relationship open and secret… for another year. Then we officially got back together. And after a year again, the scenario repeated. We started fighting, we broke up, we got back together, but I was already too hurt. I couldn’t be without him, but I felt like I’m not loved enough and started to search for love somewhere else. I never had problems finding it. I was always better with boys than girls and when I got closer to some guy, he usually fells in love with me. It’s quite the same “curse” you have. You’ŕe not a love at first sight, but once people get to know you, it’s hard for them not to fall in love with you. Anyway (back to me :D) this way I started to cheat on my boyfriend. I had this older guy who was curing my from my daddy issues, I fell in love big time to my uni colleague – he impressed me by being able to talk about serious stuff with me for hours (I have a thing for clever guys), and there was also my childhood crush with whom I had amazing sex after he realized I’m not a child anymore. This all happened during my early 20s (2000-2012). I was still dating Honza, but it was… complicated. Then I graduated at uni and we decided we’ll move in together to Prague. After 5 years of complicated relationship we started living together. It was great… for the first year. again. Then he cheated on me on some party. I wouldn’t make such a deal about it because I knew my own history, but he felt disoriented about it. He felt like if he’s able to cheat on me, he probably doesn’t love me. See… we have a totally different approach to relationships. He just… overthinks things a lot. I usually behave spontaneously. But he wasn’t able to break up with me. And I wasn’t able to break up with him. We stayed together. It was hard for a couple of months… but then it’s like it made us stronger. Like never before. We moved to another place and our life together finally started making sense. And it’s been already another 5 years since then. We’re good now. He doesn’t really want to get married and I was always kind a pushing him into it. But he wants kids. And I wanted them too. We have been already trying a bit for a year or two, but it never worked out. And now… after Canada… I’m not sure I want them now. Suddenly, I don’t feel ready. It’s like all those signs. It’s not supposed to happen now.